


if only you knew

by alliseeisred



Series: if only you knew [1]
Category: The King: Eternal Monarch, 더 킹：영원의 군주 | The King: Eternal Monarch (TV)
Genre: FirstPov, Gen, Insomniac yeong, M/M, Overthinking, Protective Gon, anxious yeong, confused yeong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:07:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27119296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alliseeisred/pseuds/alliseeisred
Summary: "I’m trying my hardest to keep my head up im trying to keep it together I know no one can see it but I think I’m slowly losing it"
Relationships: Jo Yeong/Lee Gon
Series: if only you knew [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990030
Comments: 18
Kudos: 42





	1. if only you knew

**Author's Note:**

> hey yall so im just getting into writing and its very fun and this is the second fic im writing today! so i had to try writing for this fandom 😊 idk where this story will go but i hope you like it! comments are welcome ❤

**Jo-yeong POV**

I had my eyes shut I was so tired it was such a long day from early morning I had to always be on guard which is funny cause I _am_ a guard hahahah I’m so funny wait I can’t lose it just yet I’m still in the middle of millions of others and to them I’m a human machine who doesn’t have emotions but to be fair to them I never really show my emotions and I think I’m a little delirious from the four hours of sleep I got and the constant worry, lack of sleep I mean who knew how much that can have this much of an affect and that’s exactly why I’m currently losing my mind in my own head

ok that’s enough I had to snap out of it I look up and scan the area once again all the others were already where they’re supposed to be I look over to see Pyeha already weirdly looking at me which makes me quickly look away shit I hope he didn’t see that internal struggle or how I’m trying my hardest to keep my head up im trying to keep it together I know no one can see it but I think I’m slowly losing it I’m not really worried about anyone else noticing but _pyeha_ would.. he’d know, we’re currently in the palace’s meeting area pyeha has another meeting to do so I try to snap out of it again and I have to leave I have to go out before something really bad happens and I just can’t let it happen because I know that im not just physically tired, I can handle anything physically but my mind is what’s unwell… so I go to seok ho-pil and try to be the jo yeong everyone knows me to be I have to get some fresh air I know pyeha would be safe here

“listen seok ho-pil im leaving you on guard I have some matters to tend to, I trust you would keep watch over pyeha update me with everything got it?”

“yes captain!” he replied as expected I nod my head and look over at pyeha one last time thankfully he was busy talking its very very bad I would never leave pyeha under any other circumstance but I think im on a verge of a breakdown… id take a bullet for pyeha i can handle any torture put on me for him id do anything for him but i cant have mental breakdown in front of him i cant make him ashamed of me, that’s when I took my chance to go outside as I’m walking out the minutes feel like forever until I finally can feel the fresh air on my skin I can finally breathe, today has been bad I don’t know why but I can’t be **_the jo-yeong_ **I wanted to yell at everyone

“if only you knew how much it takes for me to be what you all think I am”

There’s a place that’s behind the palace its been mine and pyeha’s safe place where we sometimes hide I look around and make sure I’m alone before going, it’s a secret room me and pyeha discovered when were kids I smile at the memory and how much we used to carefully go there and hide from everything although I shouldn’t have to hide what do I have for me to need to hide I hated that I needed to pyeha is the king he’s the one with the heavy responsibilities I shouldn’t feel anything at all


	2. if only you knew-2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “if only you knew how much I love you, how much I’d give everything for you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so another update in the same day 😊 please feel free to comment some feedback!

**Lee gon’s POV**

Lee gon sighs and closes his eyes just for a millisecond that’s how long he has to collect himself and pretend he didn’t just see yeong-ah torturing himself just now how he’s barely awake and he knows he can’t just run after him as much as he wants to he has to get through this first cause being a king means he has duties to do, then he can go to him and try to fix yeong-ah cause his yeong-ah was smart he knew how to hide everything from everyone he couldn’t remember when his yeong-ah put on that unbreakable mask he had but he know at some point he completely shut off showing anything in front of anyone but he slips sometimes and gon is the only one who sees it.

he knows about his insomnia and he doesnt think yeong-ah knows...

I wonder if he thinks I didn’t just see him have a fight with himself and run out before telling seok ho-pil to keep watch instead of him and how he’s barely been sleeping I can see right through him gon scoffed bitterly at the thought of yeong-ah thinking he doesn’t care about him enough to notice and how he was slowly mentally declining he just couldn’t believe that yeong-ah can even think that ! he wanted to yell at him

“ _if only you knew_ how much I love you, how much I’d give everything for you”

But he knew that he can’t do that just yet, so for now he’ll keep acting like he doesn’t know something is wrong like he didn’t have all of yeong’s micro expressions down to the t, how he memorized every single slip from him and every single feature, like his beautiful skin how its somehow always clear and glowing like he has been sun kissed before his birth and his eyes… his eyes are the most expressive he can tell so much from his eyes no matter how much he thinks he’s fooling everyone even if he probably is “but no one knows him like I do” he thought to himself so for now he has to pretend for his sake and finish all his duties for today and just pray to god yeongie is handling it.

Everything went by so slowly it felt like exactly how the movies show a slow-motion scene he just wanted to run to him thankfully the meeting is almost over he just had to listen to one of the people who had to purpose an idea for something he couldn’t for the life of him remember which might mean he was a bad king for the moment “I mean can anyone blame me I need a break too I am human before I am king or is it the other way around?” he almost said his thoughts out-loud be he knew he couldn’t as the meeting was coming to an end now he had to thank everyone and be a king.

“Everyone as the meeting is now coming to an end I want to thank you for your kind visits and ideas I know whatever the time of day, the City of Corea is always wide awake and thriving And you are all living proof of that and I know that we will all try our best to come to an agreement for everything that was said today, until we meet again”

He said to basically dismiss everyone there, he might as well have easily said “dismissed” instead of that but again he was a king and he was done. Yeong-ah was occupying his mind the whole time he was only 23 he shouldn’t feel this burden he knew he was burdened as well I mean with the whole trauma of his uncle killing his father and him witnessing it and becoming a king at the age of 8 but hey it’s not about me he thought

“I can finally go to him”


	3. The breathing room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m finally alone, the room is still the same I look around and can feel nostalgic for long-gone moments...

Ahh I’m finally alone, the room is still the same I look around and can feel nostalgic for long-gone moments that are now memories it was a small room that’s light beige in color matched with a dark wood floor it had a small area where we used to sleep on the floor which was in the middle where to my surprise had a new mattress, hmm did pyeha come here alone? Well I remember when we’d look up and see the stars from the window that was in the ceiling we spent so many nights just forgetting everything, it was also always cool and always smelt like lavender, I swear whoever designed this room made it for the sole purpose for me to calm down I even sometimes sleep more than 4 hours here! I thank whoever did whenever I’m here,

it was also filled with books some were scattered on the floor I pick them up and put them back in the bookcase, I look around and the same green sofa was there too I think the last time me and pyeha were both here it was that time I really slipped I was 18 I still couldn’t completely put a mask on in front of him as well as I could with others and after one hard day he saw me..

I slipped for a second.. but he caught it that’s when he stopped what he was doing and calmly got up took me by the wrist and without saying anything we went to our room the place no one knows about but us we called it “the breathing room” well he did cause it was his idea I refused to call it that but he insisted for the reason so he can slip it in between words so only I can understand him like “yeong-ah I need to breathe” he’d say in the middle of whatever he’s doing and that’s when I know he wanted to sneak there at night but I’d have to order to turn up the AC every time for the sake of it looking normal he still thinks it’s a great code word and then when we went there I remember him making me promise to call him hyung here and not pyeha which was ridiculous but as always I had to promise and then we sat on the green sofa he was still holding my wrist he turned around and made me lay down he was behind me his chest against my back and as much as I wanted to run he was holding me tight “sleep yeongie its your kings order”.

I sigh at that memory and lay on the new mattress I hope pyeha is ok I hope he didn’t really see me I shut my eyes I can feel them burning and yah I guess that’s what barely sleeping will do to you pyeha once jokingly said that I might have “insomnia” and how he’ll one day force me to go to therapy I refused of course cause I’m perfectly fine thank you very much… that’s why from that day I tried so hard to not slip in front of him to not show how tired i really am, I sighed again which I gotta stop doing and look up and ahh it’s the stars again I’m finally not the **jo-yeong** I’m just me here, the **jo-yeong** who was a trained killer who can withstand anything and everything but the unbreakable sword was _broken_ he wanted to laugh cause the reason was as simple as sleep… fucking sleep he thought or lack thereof, I’d rather die than show it that’s why I had to leave that meeting if i stayed everyone would see they would see how weak i am and it would forever taint pyeha's image

his unbreakable sword who every civilian here knows me as this ruthless man who never shows any hint of emotions who can easily murder a group of other trained killers if its to protect pyeha.. and i really didn't care what they think of me 

it was like everything else for pyeha its like a domino affect if the people think of me as weak then pyeha's enemies would too and that means putting him in danger which is why i cant slip. i've seen the stories they write about me some even speculate that pyeha actually built me from scratch i laughed at the ridiculousness of that idea although it wasn't that far off hyung did build me in a way.. he built me and he was my world

i raise my wrist "ho-pil updates?"

"caption jo the meeting has ended a few moments ago pyeha is back to his room" fewh what a relief that means he didn't notice and he's safe "good work" i say and with that the day is finally over, god that was such torture to pretend....

but that means another kind of torture is about to start it wasn't cause i get physically tired, It’s the hours you spend awake at night trying to fill the time, trying anything and everything to sleep to just stop the constant train of thoughts but nothing works.

my eyelids feel heavy its now 9:55 the day ended earlier than expected but im so glad pyeha is safe i'm slowly sinking the long night is about to start i'm dreading the constant waking up every hour the small taste of rest that gets pulled back as fast as possible its when i'm drifting that i hear footsteps it might be my imagination cause that sometimes happens the footsteps are getting closer and closer until it stopped, oh well if its a ghost coming to kill me at least hyung is safe and i can finally actually sleep.

"well that's dark but pretty sure i'm not a ghost yeongie and did you just call me hyung" i shoot up and i'm now wide awake again ! it's pyeha and shit did i just say that out-loud... oh fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all! idk if anyones enjoying this but if you are plz enjoy and send feedback if u can ❤


	4. my dear yeongie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you can't tell who it is who loves you,  
> I can't open your eyes.  
> — Gileah Taylor, "If You Can't Tell"

  
**Lee gon’s POV**

_If you can't tell who it is who loves you,  
I can't open your eyes._

— **Gileah Taylor** , "If You Can't Tell"

“ _oh my dear yeongie_ what are you doing here without me! You know this is treason and calls for beheading” I tell him as if I can ever live without him and as if im _not so happy_ that he’s here! he might be in shock cause he’s still looking at me like I _am_ a ghost he sways a little just for a second but as always I can see what he’s trying to hide if there’s anytime for me to use my status it would be now even though in this room, our room I’m not his ”pyeha” I’m just gon this is our escape but I know he’s weak now his guard is down and his mask is almost cracked and I know it’s because it’s just me cause my yeong-ah would never let anyone else see him like this he might even actually kill them.. for a trained killer since he was 10 he can be awfully oblivious at least when it comes to emotions cause I look around the room that I made for _him only_ , everything here was made to help him sleep the only thing left is giving him sleeping pills which will never happen I don’t want him addicted to any pills but I know he’ll be desperate if it was in the way of his job which is protecting _me_ and I know how he’ll do anything to do so but I have to protect him now cause it’s my job too

“ppyehaa w w what are you doing here… and how did you leave your room! Ill kill ho-pil what if you were in danger and I wasn’t there!” he says almost in full panic

And of course, that’s what he’s focused on if _I_ was in danger I lean down and look at him I know he hates when I do that “what did we agree on yeong-ah?” he’s blinking so fast and looking away like he’d rather be anywhere but here I have to stop this now I don’t wait for him to reply I take his wrist again like I’ve been doing for years he doesn’t know how I kept this room to always be ready if he ever needs it I ordered for a new mattress every month in case he wanted to go, it was easy to not be questioned why because I am the king after all

I know this is really bad cause he never ever been the first to admit he needs this and this room… it’s an escape but for him it means he’s weak and I hate that, I hate how he never puts his needs first it’s always been me…well if that’s the case then I’ll take advantage of that even if its terrible..

“I’m sorry hyung” he says I smile at that and like always he goes limp I take him to the sofa remembering all the times I did the exact same thing, I see him squirming almost as if just sitting down next to me makes him wants to leave his skin and I know why I’m not as oblivious as him I know he loves me I know my feelings aren’t one sided and its so gut wrenching to see but I can live with it I don’t know how long I can…

but if it means having him still be by my side then I’d still wait for him forever and now I have to save him he looked so tired and worn out he always tries so hard to be perfect and he was he was always perfect to me,

oh, if only you know yeongie how I’ve always known that you’re always fighting, you fought for every single step and you deserve every single title the people of Corea have given you, you always get up even if I wasn’t always with you. You will always be my unbreakable sword even when you are broken,

You wanted to fly and run to prove to everyone that you are unbreakable that you deserve that title.

I wonder if it’s my fault, because everyone breaks… but now you’re soaring and I’m afraid. I’m so afraid you’ll crash yeong-ah and even if its selfish but I’m so afraid of having to watch it happen. I ache to think there’s no way for me to help if you do but I’ll give anything to do so…

“what now hyung” he says my eyes are still on him he looks so sad and so so exhausted I wanted to hold him forever and protect him from everything cause I’m so afraid.

“now you **talk** to me”

“I don’t understand hyung talk about what” hmm he’s still playing it up well I’m not gonna entertain it anymore... “yeong-ah you know exactly what and you know that you can’t fool me so drop the act and talk to me please just talk to me” he’s still determined “I don’t know what you mean” he says again with a look that says if I keep pushing id regret it and I don’t care anymore but I’m aching, I ach when I see him like this in such pain, he’s a fighter but I don’t know if I can keep watching him wither away.

“if you don’t talk to me, you’ll be going to a therapist every day and it will be an order, I’ll be there too so you might as well tell me now”…

I know he’ll be mad at me for using that but I just can’t watch him in pain anymore I only noticed a week ago that it’s getting bad again and _he_ only knows how long ago it got bad again I hate myself for not catching it sooner…

I want to see him happy, to smile that beautiful smile, I want to be the reason of his smile, I want to bring him joy; be the source of those now dimmed eyes, I want to tell him how he always makes everyone else happy and feel protected and safe and bring them all warmth without even trying oh yeong-ah

If only you know…

You show me how to find beauty in my cruel world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really enjoying writing and i have a lot of free time rn lmao 😁 so i might keep updating this and i still dont know how many chapters will this have but i hope you enjoy!


	5. Restless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I could not help it: the restlessness was in my nature;  
>  it agitated me to pain sometimes.”
> 
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre.

Jo-yeong POV

“I could not help it: the restlessness was in my nature;

it agitated me to pain sometimes.”

  
**― Charlotte Brontë** , Jane Eyre.

Fuck he’ll use his _it’s your kings’ order_ card and make me talk which is another thing that I’d rather die than do especially if I have to talk to hyung, there’s absolutely no way I would, I can’t let him know… I don’t want him to know how absolutely restless I am and I think I reached that certain level of tiredness that equates to insanity, I don’t want to tell him.

And huh he looks stunning, although he’s still wearing his long coat with brown top turtleneck and black trousers which is awfully casual for a king but no one can complain because no one should look this good wearing that but like everything else he’s the _exception_.

“please yeong-ah I know you don’t want to and I know you think you’re broken but I’ll still be here for you so please lean on me, _please don’t go where I can’t follow_ ” he said so desperately my heart hurts hearing that, I didn’t know words can feel so heavy _don’t go where I can’t follow_ like I wouldn’t be the one following him anywhere like seeing him every day still feels like drinking water after a life-time in the desert _don’t go where I can’t follow_ he said and it’s like he’s hurting so bad and I was the reason for it, that **can’t** happen... well I guess I can’t die to avoid this and that means I have to talk.. fuck how did I give in so easy.. like I even have to ask why I did, I shut my eyes and breathe in he’s still gripping my wrist well here it goes…

“wait, take off your jacket you’re still in full suit” ok what even.. but I know better than to question him so I do it anyways he grabs my wrist back again,

“do you promise if I _talked_ now, we never bring it up again?” I know that won’t happen but it’s worth the chance…

“yeong-ah you know I can’t do that” he says with a heavy sigh, his eyes are so sad too, I look away and fuck I’ll do anything for that to change even if it means doing something I’d rather die than do so I take a deep breath ugh you’re a trained **killer** for god’s sake why is this more torturous than actual torture this is gonna suckkkk I don’t even know where to start

“you can start anywhere, just talk and yes you said that out-loud again” agh fuck fine...

“I mean I don’t know what you want me to say, you said you already know so why is it so important if I just repeat what you know?” he’s completely silent his eyes boring into me with so many emotions I sigh I know I’m gonna start rambling.

“ok fine _fine_ you want me to say it? Ok fine! I just can’t fucking sleep is that it?” I’m hoping that’s enough but its isn’t fuck, and then he does what he always did before I suddenly feel his chest against my back. slowly pushing me to lay down

I hate that I’m stupidly smiling at the repeated scene but this time he places his hand on my heart and fuck he’ll literally feel how fast my heart is beating fuckk.

He then takes both my hands and places them over his hand that’s still now feeling how fast my heart is beating…his other hand is still holding on to my wrist as if locking me in place, wrapping his legs around mine, I could easily break out of his hold but I wouldn’t dare, my heart wouldn’t dare too... his mouth is so close to my ear he leans in more and whispers 

“yeongie sweetheart, I’m gonna say this for the last time... **talk** ” he says dripping with such power I know I lost so fuck it I’ll try to get out of this one more time and I always wanted to know something, I hesitate to ask but I do anyway

“ _ok I will_ ” I say weakly it’s such stark contrast from his but I am grinning at the thought of embarrassing him with this question almost like me asking this would be payback for him forcing me to **talk**

“but why do you always hold my wrist?” I turn but as always I don’t dare to look at him cause if I do I truly believe my heart would explode but hoping this question would be random enough to take him by surprise even though my heart is still beating so fast I’m surprised I’m not hyperventilating cause having the love of your life being the fucking big spoon would do that to you, he just scoffs and

“yeong-ah since I am a merciful king, I’ll let that slide” hah he looks impatient but I might successfully distract him!

“I thought you’re not a king here? Huh _hyung_ ” I know I’m pushing it but I have to try one last time

“you’re right yeong-ah guess I should tell you then, it’s cause you tend to cross your arms and form a protective barrier as if forming this mask that you _almost_ perfected isn’t enough you do it physically too and I haven’t been able to break that mask just yet but what I can and have the power to do is stop you from doing that physically holding your wrist keeps you from forming that barrier no matter how small of a move it is, I still hope it would make a difference, which isn’t the only thing I noticed…you have a slack expression, you’ve been walking stiff lately and when you slip you’re lips tremble and you can barely hide your yawns and you’re slowly sinking, it’s not just not sleeping, its leading you to a dark place, I know everything about insomnia now, it makes the brain becomes slower it causes memory deterioration, it’ll trigger other mental illnesses it will make you crash into depression and anxiety and you’ll get more impulsive so no sweetheart it’s not just ‘not sleeping’ and lastly you really think that I don’t care enough to not notice how _restless_ you are yeongie?” he says so softly I’m so taken aback,

“so again I’ll say it one more time, **fucking talk** ” his arms are tightening he’s looking at me so intensely now and waiting I know I really lost now...

“I’m sorry hyung” my voice trembling

“stop don’t dare apologize, just please let me be here for you” he says and im shaking I’m pretty sure my hands are trembling too I look straight ahead I don’t dare look at him, _fuck_ everything he said was exactly how I felt is this what it really is? Is it ‘insomnia’ i i think what shook me the most is _‘you really think that I don’t care enough to not notice how restless you are’?_ and his ridiculous use of **sweetheart** which totally doesn’t make my heart flutter … here it goes the big confession I take deep breath,

“I’m just I’m I don’t know I’m just tired hyung I feel so emotionally numb and I hate how right you are sssometimes even existence is ssso painful and such anxiety inducing hell, it it’s so awful hyung that dread of the sky turning black signaling for everyone that “it’s time to sleep” but I **can’t** , when I’m awake I feel panicked, my breathing becomes shallow, my chest is tight I don’t know whether I should fight or run, The stress flowing so freely through my veins and I’m just so tired so so very tired _hyung_ but my brain won’t turn off I start to question my own sanity why can’t I sleep? It’s one of the natural thing’s humans have always done right? Eat, sleep and whatever the fuck

then why is sleep so hard to do? How do I switch off my brain? Isn’t it just crazy pyeha? I’m a ruthless killer I can torture information out of people in less than a day, I can kill a group of assassins alone and it’s all for means of survival and that doesn’t even bother me pyeha which makes me sound crazy right? killing people wasn’t the reason for my ‘insomnia’”

I’m laughing like an idiot now “isn’t that just crazy hyung, the only acceptable reason for this WASN’T the reason and I have no ideaaa w h y” I think I’m crying now huhh I can see pyeha crying too but I can’t stop talking “and then ohmygod then the morning comes and you somehow make it through that torture and I have to haul this mere meat bag of mine out of bed, I’m still numb and detached what sucks even more is that it’s affecting my body and i can't control it,

Why is it that a tired mind causes a tired body, but a tired body doesn’t necessarily cause a tired mind? My concentration is non-existent. Forming coherent thoughts is so hard, can’t you see pyeha how really dangerous it is for me to be **your unbreakable sword** when I’m like this? I just basically listed all of the red flags that screams to NOT hire someone as your guard, I understand now if you want to fire me, you don’t deserve this pyeha, you don’t deserve me, I’m sorry” my sobs now are only interrupted by my need to breathe im holding pyeha’s arms which are still around me I’m burying myself deep into his arms I’m so afraid of what will happen next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the longest chapter i've written (｡･∀･)ﾉﾞ and i cant believe this is ch5 already ❤


	6. light/darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The dark and the light, they exist side by side. Sometimes overlapping, one explaining the other. The darkened path is as illuminated as the lightened…”  
> – Raven Davies

**Live off you.**  
Lee gon’s POV

I don’t even realize that I’m crying with him, the last time that happened was when we first met, he cried when he saw me wailing even at that age, he was there for me and as soon as I saw him in tears, I saw the sadness even at that age I knew I would never want to see him like this, that’s when I stopped all together I was still in pain but I knew I can’t be the reason for his and I promised myself that I will always protect him cause even uncle and court lady noh couldn’t stop me from breaking but seeing a complete stranger at that time breaking just because he saw _another_ stranger in pain.. that made me stop, it reminded an 8-year-old me that the world still has hope, that in darkness there must be light, although he was only four but somehow his presence was a light for me,

My arms are tight around him I don’t remember ever seeing him lose control like this I don’t know what to say so I sit him up instead I turn him around, the sofa is big enough for both of us to sit on its almost the size of a bed so I make him face me, he’s still incoherent I take his chin and tilt it up I’m forcing him to look at me, I cup his face and I’m so angry that he’ll even think I’ll fire him and all of that anger went away in a second when he was finally looking at me, he looked so broken, I wipe his tears away mine are still flowing but as if I remembered why I don’t cry in front of him, I take a deep breath

“yeongie my love how could you even think that! that would never happen we will never be separated not unless my heart is no longer beating, if you think it’s dangerous for me having you as my unbreakable sword, I sure hope you don’t see me without you, **I’ll** be the danger that should be avoided **at all cost**.. I am yours. Be mine. Nothing in me is mine; it's all yours, you were made to be mine, as I was made to be yours I’m thankful and proud that you told me how you feel and I know how hard that was for you, I live off you I cant even imagine a time that we’re not by each-others sides, I’m not just your king and we both know that…” my heart is breaking remembering what he said _‘sometimes even existence is so painful’_ it hurt so much to hear and ill give up everything to change that, **Nothing** could keep us apart…

“I’m sorry, im so sorry that you’re in such pain I wish I can take it instead and ill do anything if it would ease your pain and I know you’re looking for a reason why but you’re human, _yeongie_ that’s all it takes, you don’t need a damn excuse, you’re a human being _its ok_ to break, it’s ok to feel what you feel, we can get through this, it’s ok I’m here for you so will you please be there for me? Let’s go through this together? It will take time but everything does, we can heal together, what do you say” I’m looking at him desperately

He’s starting to calm down a little he’s sniffling, I can’t believe that I just confessed my love for him, I just asked him to be mine I’m trying not to panic cause of the thought of rejection but this isn’t about me, it’s about _him_ , he comes first.

” thank y..” I interrupt him,

“shhh don’t even think about finishing that.” I know everything that’s going through his head right now he sighs and looks up

“ _ok_ , yes ill go with you, ill go with you anywhere and you know that too” I smile I’m so relieved but he’s hesitating to say something, he looks down

“a and yyyes to being _yours,_ hahh I already was yours for so long, you have me, you have all of me until the last star in the galaxy dies, you have me” fuck as if I wasn’t already deeply in love with him...

“can I ask you one more thing yeong-ah please?” I’ll do anything to fix it, to fix _him_

“yes, hyung anything” he smiles still in tears,

“please fall, collapse, please collapse into me just once and I promise you never have to fall again, I’ll be your sword, ill be your shield” and so he does, he jumps and wraps his arms around me I keep holding him, I’m holding my whole world in my hand, we can start this journey to recover.

He was always the light in my life, when all I saw was darkness, I’ll look over to him and he’d be the only light that I can see, when everything was colorless, he’ll be the only color I see. It’s time for me to be his light.

He’s finally falling asleep I don’t know what time it is now but I don’t care I’ll keep holding him forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo.. thoughts? idk if this would be the last chapter so im leaving it for now. 
> 
> (*￣3￣)╭❤


	7. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”  
> ― Pablo Neruda

**Hope**

**“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”  
― Pablo Neruda**

**2 weeks later.**

Before they knew it, the sun came up, meaning they have to leave the room and start the day as a king and his bodyguard again, gon was the first to wake up still having yeong in his arms as he did on that day, it’s been 2 weeks since they both spilled their hearts out to each other.

After that day there was finally _hope_. Gon has prepared everything and used his status as a king to gather all resources that would help with yeongie’s insomnia, he finally got yeong to go to an actual therapist after plenty of convincing that includes lots of cuddling and make out sessions which he really can’t complain about. yeong finally got a real diagnosis which turned out to be chronic insomnia that could last for years, yeongie said he couldn’t remember when it started but he remembered that time he slipped when he was 18 he was 23 now so it’s been yearsss

but yeongie also mentioned that some days were worse than others but at least now they know what it actually is, gon also had doctors to do an actual study on yeongies sleep in which yeongie was connected to analytical equipment while he was asleep which would help the doctors analyze his sleep cycles and irregularities. Gon was adamant on was having a certain time that was for yeong-ah only and both found the best time would be late at night which would be 10pm until whenever gon thought was good enough of a time for yeongie’s treatments to be over, 10pm was perfect cause that’s when they both usually have finished their duties as a king and his bodyguard who was also leading a full team as well as being responsible with training newbies and yeong-ah could go on and on about what his job entails but he wouldn’t have it any other way and most importantly the one thing that would come before anything else; **_protect pyeha_**.

One of the doctors who they both are familiar with now ‘ms. Lo’ have said “The best way to uncover why you’re having difficulty falling or staying asleep is to assess what’s happening during a sleep study and develop a treatment based on what we find,” ms. Lo was nice and really good at her job but naturally yeongie hated her job because he hated having ‘attention’ on him although gon didn’t blame him because he did have a whole team solely for him but gon would make it up to him with more cuddling later. It was a little hard hiding this from the rest of the palace since he still had his duties as king it was especially hard to hide it from court lady Noh and uncle since they both practically raised them both and would notice the change in their behavior but if they ever did thankfully they never mentioned it as long as it’s something helping yeong-ah that’s all they cared about the same would go for yeong-ah’s team, _they loved him almost as much as I did_ gon had thought fondly smiling at that.

Then the treatments started which yeongie also hated. They started with CBT which is ‘cognitive behavioral therapy’ gon was very **clear** on not having yeongie on any sleep medication unless it was the very last option and CBT was apparently better and more effective and ms. Lo mentioned it’s strategies, one of them was _journaling_ which is to write down worries or concerns before going to bed and it may help keep a person from actively attempting to work them out while also trying to sleep. As usual yeong-ah refused doing but gon has his ways of convincing...

Gon convinced him by starting every treatment with him as well he’d stay with yeong and start journaling to ease yeongies ‘embarrassment’ but instead of writing his worries which would only include two words **_Jo-yeong_** he decided to write the many things he loved about him instead and then he would show yeong and threaten to scream it in the middle of the palace which he isn’t proud of but it did get yeongie to do it with him on the conditions of no one but him would know what he wrote, naturally gon was ok with that as long as he was participating with _his_ treatment.

Then came ‘relaxation techniques’ which yeong thought was absolutely humiliating he scoffed at the mere thought of _yoga_ but as usual hyung has his convincing ways. they also relied on chamomile tea and a week after keeping up the treatments gon had noticed the slight change in yeong-ah he would sleep an hour more than he would every couple of days and he was happier since now they both didn’t need to put a label on what their relationship was cause they knew _boyfriends_ wasn’t good enough of a word to describe what they were to each other so they settled for leaving the words **soulmates** be what they both knew was true.

For now, they had to get out of bed.

**Jo-yeong** **POV**

I know hyung just woke up cause I can literally feel him staring hard and I don’t wanna wake up just yet im just real happy to act like im still asleep

_” yeongie baby I know you’re awake”_ fuck how?? I was so still…

“you really can’t act huh, come on give it up baby we gotta go “I sigh knowing that it’s time to start the day which is such a weird role reversal.

“but I really wanna sleep more” I whine and I hate that I just did cause im **jo-yeong** the ruthless _killer_ who wouldn’t be caught dead whining but if anyone was with hyung snuggling in bed ‘I’d **kill** them btw I will **kill** any imaginary person in this scenario’ but they would do the same.

“what did you say love?” he asked and honestly, I think he’s starting to lose his hearing

“I said I wanna sleeeep moreee” ughhh I reallyyy ddoo

“oh, baby you don’t know how happy those words make me feel” he says which confuses the fuck out of me? Is he happy with having a lazy bodyguard…?

“are you happy that the captain of the royal guard can’t get out of bed?” I ask cause really wtf

“exactly that sweetheart, I know nothing is completely cured just yet but you just said you wanted to sleep more yeongie” he said excitingly and ahh I get it now huh I did say that didn’t I? well who would’ve thought the treatments would actually help…

“what do you mean I didn’t say that” yah I’m definitely denying that

“ok baby you didn’t, now how about we sleep a little more then?” ugh this is so tempting but reality is sinking in it was now 9am and its like I just remembered that we both still had jobs to do and hyung _is_ **the king** …

“as tempting as that is hyung I think im remembering that we both have duties to do” I say and ugh I wish we were in an alternative universe where me and hyung could have today be just a casual lazying in bed day but as I said it would have to be an alternative universe... 

“oh, so you just now remember” hyung is gonna have so much fun with what still asleep me just said… I hate it, I was just about to scold him but I can’t help but to smile cause im remembering how much he helped me, remembering how my pain started to dissolve in his hands, he kept me warm…

“hyung can I tell you something? but promise you’ll let me finish” I’ll later blame it on being tired

“anything for my love, you know I’d give you my heart if you ask for it” ugh hes so sappy but im about to beat him in sappiness with what I’m about to say…

“ok so gon I never had the chance to thank you and shut up before you interrupt me cause I know you hate me thanking you but please listen, I just have to let you know how much I am thankful and so grateful for you loving me when I found it impossible to love myself and for reminding me how to live without rain and for not making me feel silly for having sleep problems as I know anyone else would, I know it wasn’t easy for you to balance being a king and taking care of me bu ” im tearing up a little but as expected he interrupts

“oh my love, im sorry but I have to interrupt you there, taking care of you is never a ‘task’ that ever needs balance do you understand?” he grabs my chin tilting it up so gently

“hyyunggg” im blushing that idiot is gonna kill me but it would be a happy death…

“baby do you understand? Taking care of you is my number one priority, you never **ever** have to utter those two words and thank me for doing what im supposed to do, **I love you.** You make me feel like I belong like everything will eventually be ok you have been my _hope_ my entire life and unlike others all these people that I have met you’re the only one who accepts me for who I am, there is no words that would be enough to convey how I feel about you,

You have seen me at my weakest and been there every single time, if anyone who should be thanking anyone it would be me! I thank you for giving your heart to me and trusting me enough to do so, thank you for staying by my side and for being mine, now please tell me you understand?” damn him he beat me and fuck I am tearing up again aren’t I…

“I understand, I love you too.” I too have no words to convey how he is my past, present and future, i leaned up and close the gap between us i'll never be used to feeling his lips against mine and I guess we’d both have to end with those three words and I know we understand the depths of them and of each other, recovery would be long but with him by my side and no matter what and who we have to face there will always be _hope_ and I’ll be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annnnd the last chapter ಥ_ಥ i loved loved writing this!! sorry for the late update but i had to research about insomnia since i have dealt with it before but i wanted it to be as accurate as possible and so the treatments and was ms. lo said is all accurate. i hope you enjoyed this story as much as i loved writing it i just suddenly had this idea in my head and wanted to try writing it and what a lovely journey this was! 😭❤


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